Remembrance

November 2023

It feels like I’m high school all over again. The work is endless, the work is unfulfilling, and my home life is exhausting. I’m begging the universe for a scrap of kindness, but instead I’m left holding my breath and feeling defensive.

It’s mostly a lack of time to myself and a lack of time spent in nature. Sure, I sleep enough to not be yawning in class, but not enough for me to feel upbeat and happy about life. But my walk to class is polluted with busy streets and sterile sidewalks, a far contrast to the nature path near the old house I used to live at! I’m having trouble getting that same effect over here <frowns> And the way I used to have an entire room to myself! I was so privileged and didn’t even know it. I mean, I’m friendly with the girl I share with, but my introverted self just wants to be left alone. So I can absorb the silence and empty space and allow my thoughts to diffuse, difficult moments floating off into the distance. The same way each step in a walk wears down these difficult thoughts, like an embarrassing moment in the CoHo this morning or the way teachers can be annoying sometimes, until I realize half an hour has passed, and it’s time for me to head home, feeling light as air.

Such a mood booster.

But I feel better this time around. I’m older now; more wisdom accumulated. I know, if all else fails, that eventually things will get better, due to the randomness of events. Eventually I’ll meet nicer people. Eventually, say, my roommate with have a meeting that runs late, or I’ll find money on the ground. Also, I’ve gone to therapy and no longer allow to self-hate to possess me. It was easy to then, but not anymore. I have a foundation of self-love, and it gives me an approach to all these stresses that surround me, like school, money, love, housemates, and the logistics of travel. So I simply breathe, slowly and deeply, and remind myself of why I’m doing all this. Sure, I’ve got to be careful of my tendency to people-please, but I can (and do!) communicate my side of the story, and it makes all the difference.