Pain

Dear Diary,

Life has been hard recently. I broke up with my boyfriend, and I don’t know if it was the right move. You see, I was feeling lonely and disconnected from him over the winter holidays, and I wanted to see/talk to him more often. But the pictures sent to him went unanswered, and when I texted him asking if he wanted me to stop sending him pictures I didn’t get a satisfactory answer (he didn’t say that I should continue), so naturally I felt sad and irritable. Living at my parent’s place is difficult, and that backdrop of exhaustion and unhealthy food didn’t give me the energy nor motivation to give my poor boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. I began to feel hopeless about the situation, and my thoughts spiraled down to anxiety and on the verge of tears whenever a quiet moment arose. My mom noticed and told me to stop agonizing. I was deciding whether or not to break up with him.

This rupture had been a lingering thought in my mind these last few months, but the thought of being without the restaurant meals and the lack of sex made breaking up hard. Plus he’d get me these little gifts when I asked! These golden handcuffs stopped me from seeing him and uttering those words of separation. Why go back to lonely Saturday nights? Why abandon that sense of smugness that I have a boyfriend? And so I ended up with him, even if it felt like settling.

If I could be honest I’d say that I’m rather cynical about love. I don’t expect to be happy. Yet here I was, with him, because he cleans, the sex is nice, and he takes me out to eat. Sure, I’d like it to be someone who’s sophisticated, cultured and has a high income, etc, but given my dismal dating history I felt unable to contest this offer. So who am I to turn that down? I’ve been trying to find someone since late 2021, and here I am in 2024 with no one.

But I can’t lie to myself anymore. I don’t want someone who’s nice to date due to superficial traits. I want, deep down inside, to be with someone I admire. Someone who cares about the outcomes of the systematically disadvantaged, someone who is patient when the check stand line grows long, someone who does good. And is attractive, of course.

And certainly someone who responds to my messages.

And so on Sunday night I decide to stop thinking about it so much. I can’t go on pretending the abyss between us doesn’t affect me. I open my phone and go to the notes app, hunched over on my bed. I type out my thoughts. I’m halfway through before the boom of fireworks jerks my head upwards. It’s the New Year, of course. I feel a tingle of sadness. I wanted so badly to have a new year’s kiss. Of course, I end here typing out a breakup text. Why can’t I ever be happy? I finish my thoughts, careful not to insult him, and hit the little blue circle with the upward arrow key before I lose my nerve. I lay down on my bed and breathe slowly. My body aches for what I have done.

Signed,

AMY LEE