Month: January 2024

November 2023

It feels like I’m high school all over again. The work is endless, the work is unfulfilling, and my home life is exhausting. I’m begging the universe for a scrap of kindness, but instead I’m left holding my breath and feeling defensive.

It’s mostly a lack of time to myself and a lack of time spent in nature. Sure, I sleep enough to not be yawning in class, but not enough for me to feel upbeat and happy about life. But my walk to class is polluted with busy streets and sterile sidewalks, a far contrast to the nature path near the old house I used to live at! I’m having trouble getting that same effect over here <frowns> And the way I used to have an entire room to myself! I was so privileged and didn’t even know it. I mean, I’m friendly with the girl I share with, but my introverted self just wants to be left alone. So I can absorb the silence and empty space and allow my thoughts to diffuse, difficult moments floating off into the distance. The same way each step in a walk wears down these difficult thoughts, like an embarrassing moment in the CoHo this morning or the way teachers can be annoying sometimes, until I realize half an hour has passed, and it’s time for me to head home, feeling light as air.

Such a mood booster.

But I feel better this time around. I’m older now; more wisdom accumulated. I know, if all else fails, that eventually things will get better, due to the randomness of events. Eventually I’ll meet nicer people. Eventually, say, my roommate with have a meeting that runs late, or I’ll find money on the ground. Also, I’ve gone to therapy and no longer allow to self-hate to possess me. It was easy to then, but not anymore. I have a foundation of self-love, and it gives me an approach to all these stresses that surround me, like school, money, love, housemates, and the logistics of travel. So I simply breathe, slowly and deeply, and remind myself of why I’m doing all this. Sure, I’ve got to be careful of my tendency to people-please, but I can (and do!) communicate my side of the story, and it makes all the difference.

–To Do–
Research jobs, 5 of them
Apply to them
Text Mary Anne?
Typing test

Today is August 10th, 2023

Journal Entry
On Monday morning I talk to S online. We chat about our lives: the people who have wronged her,
news and doubts in my romantic relationship with Ken, and small talk about how our families are
doing. I spend the rest of the day relaxing, laying on the couch and thinking about how I should clean out the fridge.

Facing My Fears Helped Me Grow as a Person
Fall quarter had its mix of good and bad events, but the unpleasant share weighed heavily. I had
extreme anxiety and nausea was my constant companion. I learned to live with this fear, of trying hard and having it all go to waste. I learned that I resented my professors and going to class because it reminded me of my relationship to my mom growing up—of having to hang on to every word she said and my survival depended on this. I knew this wasn’t exactly fair to them, they were nice people and the subject matter is interesting, but I held this resentment anyway. When studying for my micro econ class final exam I looked over the practice final but skipped the first question since it wasn’t something covered in class. Surely, he wouldn’t test us on something not covered in lecture. But sure enough, that very same question appeared on the final exam. I felt defeated, embarrassed, and a little angry. Angry at him and myself since I ended up earning a D in that class. Now, I am sure to be more cautious of these tricks that professors like to play on us. My fear was that I was powerless to get the things I want. I’m terrified of a lack of personal agency. But I went to class despite feeling like a fraud, and I attended office hours with deliberation and mindfulness.
I felt the nausea in my stomach and did box breathing to cope. I took each day one at a time, and
allowed myself to reclaim my power by allowing myself to feel proud of myself. I slowly grew as a
person.

Winter quarter was my favorite of all. My classes were engaging; a combination of interesting and
challenging. I don’t like when school is boring and easy. I joined a study group for my game theory class and we developed an almost friendship-like bond with them. We joked around while discussing
variations on the Prisoner’s Dilemma and second-price sealed-bid auctions. One of the guys in the group worked at Woodstock’s so after this class’s final exam we all went out to eat there after the final, and I still talk to one of the girls from that group today. I also had a crush on another guy from that group, and I’d get a faint thrill whenever we’d exchange thoughts.

Dear Diary,

Life has been hard recently. I broke up with my boyfriend, and I don’t know if it was the right move. You see, I was feeling lonely and disconnected from him over the winter holidays, and I wanted to see/talk to him more often. But the pictures sent to him went unanswered, and when I texted him asking if he wanted me to stop sending him pictures I didn’t get a satisfactory answer (he didn’t say that I should continue), so naturally I felt sad and irritable. Living at my parent’s place is difficult, and that backdrop of exhaustion and unhealthy food didn’t give me the energy nor motivation to give my poor boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. I began to feel hopeless about the situation, and my thoughts spiraled down to anxiety and on the verge of tears whenever a quiet moment arose. My mom noticed and told me to stop agonizing. I was deciding whether or not to break up with him.

This rupture had been a lingering thought in my mind these last few months, but the thought of being without the restaurant meals and the lack of sex made breaking up hard. Plus he’d get me these little gifts when I asked! These golden handcuffs stopped me from seeing him and uttering those words of separation. Why go back to lonely Saturday nights? Why abandon that sense of smugness that I have a boyfriend? And so I ended up with him, even if it felt like settling.

If I could be honest I’d say that I’m rather cynical about love. I don’t expect to be happy. Yet here I was, with him, because he cleans, the sex is nice, and he takes me out to eat. Sure, I’d like it to be someone who’s sophisticated, cultured and has a high income, etc, but given my dismal dating history I felt unable to contest this offer. So who am I to turn that down? I’ve been trying to find someone since late 2021, and here I am in 2024 with no one.

But I can’t lie to myself anymore. I don’t want someone who’s nice to date due to superficial traits. I want, deep down inside, to be with someone I admire. Someone who cares about the outcomes of the systematically disadvantaged, someone who is patient when the check stand line grows long, someone who does good. And is attractive, of course.

And certainly someone who responds to my messages.

And so on Sunday night I decide to stop thinking about it so much. I can’t go on pretending the abyss between us doesn’t affect me. I open my phone and go to the notes app, hunched over on my bed. I type out my thoughts. I’m halfway through before the boom of fireworks jerks my head upwards. It’s the New Year, of course. I feel a tingle of sadness. I wanted so badly to have a new year’s kiss. Of course, I end here typing out a breakup text. Why can’t I ever be happy? I finish my thoughts, careful not to insult him, and hit the little blue circle with the upward arrow key before I lose my nerve. I lay down on my bed and breathe slowly. My body aches for what I have done.

Signed,

AMY LEE