August 31st, 2023
Dear Journal,
I’m really not sure what to make of our relationship. When I’m with him I feel happy and glad to be with him. But when I take a step away I begin to have doubts about our relationship.
These are the issues:
> He doesn’t speak French, which I find problematic because speaking French is really quite important to me, and if not him then with whom??
> He wants to live in Texas, maybe the in the Dallas outskirts. It’s a problem because I simply do not wish to live in the South.
> He’s in the military and I don’t want to travel around whenever he gets deployed or otherwise sent around by the DoD.
> I suspect he may have politically conservative leanings and I’m not sure I want that in my life.
But I hesitate to bring these concerns up because I’m worried I’ll rock the boat and he’ll break up with me. I don’t want to be single!! And I don’t want to be with the wrong person!! I wish I could bring these concerns up with other people in real life, and I feel frustrated by this.
This morning my mom came home early to have lunch with me (which I appreciated) but she began to dump all this relationship advice on me and I nearly began to cry. She talked about the motives behind men and women to marry and how sex was the reason men married and how women should give their dudes sex lest they seek it elsewhere (???). I disagree. To me sex is a fun bonding activity for grown folks. Don’t need to be married, just be aware that it binds people closer together, for the better or worse of the individuals involved. I wish I could tell her this. I’m worried she’ll judge me and it’ll alienate us (good lord knows we aren’t exactly besties) so I keep silent. But perhaps not, she already knows we’ve done the deed and I don’t feel alienated. Rather this is the most personal info I’ve given her in several months. So I guess my fears might be unfounded. So anyway she was giving me marriage advice. But I could barely focus on what she was saying; I had this voice saying, “no, no, no” inside me. This voice rang true and sustained within me. And this is why I nearly started to cry. Because even though Ken is a great guy, kindhearted and stable, I felt unease when my mom shared relationship info with me. I feel torn. The core of the matter is:
I love “us” but I don’t love “him”.
Wow. There it is.
The truth.
I love us. We cook dinner together, go to the Post Office together, exchange glances, watch movies together, and sneak kisses in the Arboretum. And we have so much compatibility in key areas: tastes in food, driving styles, humor, sex drives, texting, and PDA. I feel safe bringing up wants and needs in our “us”. I feel proud of him in these areas. When I’m with him the words “stable” and “largely confident” come to mind.
But I don’t really like the way we don’t have long conversations or can’t switch between English and French with ease, the way I do with myself. I certainly could with the previous dude, and a part of me longs for that. I don’t like the way he’s not into intellectual matters and dislikes Excel (??) I can’t imagine having a conversation with him on the topic of immigration from a research standpoint.
I wish I could fast-forward into the future and see if Amy Lee ends up with him for the long haul or not. Ease my doubts and whatnot. But for now I stay.
AmyLeeThinks 