Dear Journal,
I’m still with Ken, and things are progressing nicely. I may even tell him I love him after the passage of a few weeks.
Oh, who am I kidding. The truth is I’m having doubts about our relationship. The original terms were to be bf/gf for a year, and then we break up once I graduate and presumably leave Davis/NorCal. But I think he (we?) is not holding up the bargain. I think I feel closer to him than expected and kinda want to marry him? My body says “yes”, but a small yet persistent voice says “no”. My body is relaxed and unwound when we lay together on his queen-sized bed with the navy sheets, and when I’m there and conscious of it it feels natural that we should stay together forever. But when I’m here at home, typing away at my desk with my own twin-sized bed with my crisp white sheets nearby I feel tense and unhappy, confident that he is simply not the guy for me. And so I believe the best course of action is to fully understand my feelings towards him, even if it takes several months. My body won’t allow me to suppress emotions, and I don’t wish to harm myself with inaccurate projections.
I know our relationship is healthy. Last Saturday when he came home and we settled into bed, I took a risk and said, “Actually, there’s something I need to tell you”. He stills and I take it as a good sign. I tell him that when he arrived unexpectedly early at the house that night I was on a call with my sister, where I came to realize that I was unhappy. I was unhappy because I wish he would open up to me more. We don’t talk enough and when you don’t it makes me feel like you don’t care about me. He responds instantly and reassures me that he does. It feels genuine, and I feel a pang in my chest. I tell him that he doesn’t need to change his personality, but I do wish he would open up more. He says that he will, and he does. He tells me more about the problems his family’s facing back home, with his younger siblings moving to homeschooling due to the issues with their current school, the troubles the family business is facing and that they might sell it, that his employer is facing budget difficulties, his current promotion from a couple months ago is more demanding than expected, and more details about his interpersonal relationships to his brothers. I do feel better. Not only has he accepted my complaint (which I was sure to do tactfully), he also followed through. And this is why I say I want to stay with him. He’s emotionally mature. We have our differences, but we have a way to resolve (or at least navigate) them. I end up feeling closer to him, despite the topic of my phone call with my sister. It’s a really nice feeling.
Overall I will keep thinking about us. About him. About me, and why I feel the way I feel. About why I feel disconnected when we don’t talk, or if this is all I genuinely want. Because I have some concerns:
He wishes to live in Texas and I do not.
He doesn’t speak French and doing so is really important to me.
I suspect he may be the religious type and I am not.
But I don’t know if these are deal-breakers. All I can do is my best, listening to my body and staying honest. But I do know (and with a high level of confidence) that he cares about me, and I care about him.
With love,
AMY LEE ❤
AmyLeeThinks 