If he should say no, then I would remember the first time I saw him.
If he should say no, then I would remember his kind eyes, the way they turn down at the corners and the flecks of gray in his hair.
If he should say no, then I would remember the way he’d laugh at my unfunny jokes and when I showed him my essay to see if I had translated a word correctly in my mind he said yes and then offered me another translation. It’s all very comfortable and intimate. I like getting help from him.
If he should say no, then I would remember all the sustained eye contact, the anticipation of going to class, the dread of Friday’s (what do you mean I’ve got to wait two full days before seeing him again? As if one full day between on weekdays wasn’t bad enough), and walking up the steps to Wellman Hall wondering what we’d do in class today.
If he should say no, then I’d remember week 3 after giving the first presentation with Sarah when he turned around in his desk to face the class and asked the class back the question one of us had asked (I think was me) and I thought to myself, “wow this is nice, I could get used to this” and I believe that’s when I first realized I had a crush on him and wanted his attention.
If he should say no, then I’d remember the squish of the squishy part of his shoes as he walked past. I sit somewhat near the door and I’d lower my eyes in bashful contentment in the early days as he walked past to the podium.
If he should day no, then I’d remember all the happy memories and all the happy made-up memories and choose to bask in them as I please.
If, however, he should say yes, then, with the passage of time spent together, I’d gather and accumulate details about him- his birthday month, the kinds of foods he doesn’t like, why he ever came to the US- and construct different fantasies and stories about him until finally one day, perhaps never, I’d get to know the real him and begin to live in the present moment.
AmyLeeThinks 